We all have a dark side. Most of us go through life avoiding direct confrontation with that aspect of ourselves, which I call the shadow self. There’s a reason why. It carries a great deal of energy.
I seem to keep coming back to the same questions. I seem to keep coming back to the same answers. It feels like I keep landing to the same thoughts. Somehow however I end up -well, at least in certain areas of my life- to different results. Which would intuitively mean that I’m indeed doing something different, wouldn’t it? Maybe the questions are somewhat different, or the answers are tweaked. I’m having trouble understanding how it all changes, and sometimes not.
In the last couple of months, I’ve been love struck by my inner child. And it’s somehow a new-found land. A new place that I haven’t really known, a place that I’m inventing as I go. Invention comes with a certain playful sentiment of curiosity and the allowance for experimentation. I feel I am in a jungle of emotions, thoughts, behaviours, beliefs and values. And weirdly enough it feels scary yet fascinating at the same time. And what surprises me and at times leaves me at awe the most is the courage it takes to lean into the fear, lean into the unknown, lean into this jungle and embrace it for what it is.
I imagine me getting beaten by the annoying mosquitos, being afraid of hissing sounds, being scratched by trees and plants, sometimes being splashed from sudden rain and others being frustrated, tired and breathing heavily because of the endless warmth and humidity. And in this jungle, it’s hard to say if you’ve taken the right path or not. All you know is the way you’ve already passed. The innate hope that there’s something better ahead keeps you going and gives you the strength to explore more.
And the process can be frustrating, tiresome, lonely, exhausting on your body, mind and spirit. But you keep going on. Because apart from all this there’s something exciting about The Unknown. And you can’t help but have faith that there’s something better than what you’ve already seen. Could you go back? Would you go back? Should you go back? Is The Known really known? Is it better? Safer? So, then you decide to just be for a moment, stay dormant, stay still. Maybe then, you wonder at least you know The Now. Or do you? Did you?
In this jungle I constantly find myself taking action and interpret situations based on what I’ve experienced from The Known. Other times, though, I rebel. And I do everything differently. “Fuck the Known, YOLO”, I tell myself. And then I mentally prepare for the thunders and storms ahead. Because they will come. The mind needs to prepare for the worst. Resigning is not an option anyways. Relentlessness is the skill that I’m learning, the resistance and strength my body, mind, and spirit can exert under new circumstances.
How pathetic! I’m sometimes pathetic. But I won’t apologise for that. I’m pathetic for being human, for being such a perfectly imperfectly designed machine. I’m pathetic for doing my best. I’m pathetic for expecting so much from my body, mind and spirit. I’m pathetic for having the hubris to even think I could be better, do better, love more, care more, have more. I’m pathetic for not knowing what I want. I’m pathetic for trying and doing so much. I’m pathetic for it being able to focus. I’m pathetic for not being fast enough or slowing down enough. I’m pathetic for having so many interests. I’m pathetic for being scared. I’m pathetic for daring to dare. I’m pathetic for daring to dream. I’m pathetic I’d even think I deserve better. I’m pathetic for swinging between ideas, goals, skepsis and praxis, avoiding
and confronting, pushing away and pulling in, happiness, fear and sadness, loneliness and belonging, having control and giving it up, freedom and bondage, autonomy and dependence, safety and danger, narcissism and altruism. How pathetic is the randomness of it all and how confusing it all sounds!
I‘m in a blue sea swimming, floating, drowning. And then I’m saved from the light, brutal waves, the sounds of past, present and future calling my name, the Vast, a piece of safe, warm land, this do-it-yourself inner creature of my phantasy.